3 Things Every Couple Should Discuss Before Having a Baby (but rarely do!)
Having a baby is such an exciting time, and there’s so much to think about. I’m sure you’ve had endless conversations already. You’ve talked about giving birth, names, and what great parents you’ll make. Maybe you’ve even talked about work and how you’ll manage that and finances. You might even be ahead of lots of couples and have discussed the kind of education you’d like your child to get, your own childhood and what you want to do the same (or very differently), and you might even have discussed how to handle each other’s parents when they start doling out well-meaning advice (and they will). But here are 3 things that most couples NEVER discuss, and (in my opinion) really should, before having a baby.
Naughty Behaviour
It’s a good idea to be on the same page when it comes to how to handle naughty behaviour… and what you both would consider to even be naughty behaviour in the first place. It’s normal to not agree on everything, but you should at least be coming from a similar angle, especially as there are some very different ways to deal with naughtiness. It’s good to know now if one of you thinks shouting is the way to handle things and the other is vehemently against ever raising their voice, or that one is a fan of naughty steps or time out whilst the other prefers to talk things through, or that the idea of your toddler saying a swear word in public would leave you mortified, while your partner would find it hysterical. So, if your cute little bundle of joy grows into a toddler who loves nothing more than screaming loudly and throwing themselves on the floor in the supermarket, or is a budding Banksy who loves to decorate the walls with permanent marker pen, or thinks it’s funny to flush whatever they can get their hands on down the loo (true story: my eldest two once tried to flush the contents of our fruit bowl down the loo!)… what would you do? Discussing how you might handle situations like this (and why) before having children is much better than waiting until you’re in the middle of a situation and, instead of handling it, you and your other half are arguing about what to do. Trust me, I’ve been there, and it never helps! And while you and your partner don’t have to have identical ideas about discipline, or what requires discipline, it’s just good to know you’re not a million miles apart on how you’ll tackle things.
Having an LGBTQ+ kid
So, disclaimer, I’m really talking to the heterosexual couples here as we are the ones who can so often get caught up in gender stereotypes. Most of us can’t help it, we love to talk about whether we want a boy or a girl, and come up with names, and think of all the cute things we will buy for them, the things we’ll do together, and maybe even go as far as dreaming way into the future thinking about their wedding day, and when they have kids. This daydreaming is an important part of preparing for parenthood, but very few couples discuss how they would feel about having a kid who is gay or trans. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be a big deal at all but it’s good to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page. Anybody can have a gay or trans kid, and they need to know that as their parent you will be their number one supporter. It’s important to have conversations with your partner around gender identity, how you honestly feel, what your reaction would be if your little boy wanted to wear dresses or your little girl thinks princesses should only marry princesses, and how you might create a household where your child feels safe to be themselves and will know that if they had to ‘come out’ to you, that it would be 100% okay.
Having a kid who is not into anything you love
As I said in the previous section, imagining the kind of child you will bring into this world is a fun exercise that most of us indulge in at some point. And almost always we imagine a kind of ‘mini-me’ who we can hang out with and do all the things that we love. Maybe you see yourself taking your kid to the football and excitedly supporting the same team, or spending hours shopping together, riding, hiking, or sharing a love of books, etc. And whilst your child may well end up having some similar interests to you, how will you feel if your child hates the things you love? What if you are a total sports nut and your kid hates sport and would rather hang out at a museum, or you’re into the outdoors and your child would rather curl up with a book, or you like to go to church each week but your child doesn’t believe in god at all, or you’re a lover of beautiful dresses and spa days but your daughter wants to climb trees, roll in the mud and spend all day playing football? Again, thinking about this and discussing how you will feel if your child doesn’t want to do the things that you enjoy, and/or grows up to have some fundamentally different beliefs to you (such as religion, politics, or whether or not to eat meat) is important. It breaks my heart when I hear of kids who have been thrown out of home because they didn’t fit into their parent’s idea of who they should be, or I hear somebody saying that they are disappointed in their child just because they are different. It’s not our job to map out our children’s lives, it’s our job to love them, give them opportunities, and support them so they can choose their own path and interests, knowing we’ll be there to cheer them on along the way... even if that means sitting through a sports match in the pouring rain & freezing cold when you’d rather be curled up with a book (true story), or watching them in a Shakespeare play when even the thought of it makes you want to gouge your own eyes out (possibly true for my husband!).
Have you had discussions about any of these things? What else would you add to the list? Share in the comments below, I’d love to hear.
